Wednesday was my 24th birthday. It was a birthday to never be forgotten. It was a really neat day with my family – well I had to work most of the day, which wasn’t the most fun, but that’s life. But then Mark and I had a life changing experience. My first intake appointment with the OB was scheduled for that afternoon, so we left work early and headed to the appointment. We met with the genetic counselor and I had some blood drawn. I asked the nurse if I had to wait for my next appointment in two weeks to hear the heartbeat, which is what I was waiting for in order to tell my family our news. At only 11 wks, it’s a bit early, but she said You can definitely hear the fetal heart tones today. I was thrilled. We went into an exam room, and she spread the cold gel along my belly, and placed the Doppler microphone-looking tool on my belly, and we waited. She checked position after position, moving the device over and around and back and forth, and all that came through was a slow steady normal adult heartbeat. Mine.
She said Are you positive on your dates? I said I chart religiously. I am dead positive when conception occurred, when my last period started, etc. I have no doubt in my mind. And inwardly, my heart was sinking. My greatest fear ever since the positive pregnancy test on Valentine’s Day morning was that the symptoms would vanish, that we’d end up devastated after our hopes had soared. I actually appreciated the two+ months of almost daily vomiting, because I knew it meant the pregnancy wasn’t in my head. And then at week 10, the nausea stopped. Even though it was a relief to feel better, I couldn’t shake the fear in my heart that maybe something was wrong. I felt like until I heard that heartbeat, I’d have no peace. So when the nurse couldn’t find it, I thought the worst, but at least I would have some certainty. The nurse said there could be a few reasons why we weren’t hearing it, and that if I wanted to, we could do an ultrasound that day. It would require haggling a bit with the insurance to get them to cover an extra ultrasound, but she said that it was possible and that if I wasn’t going to have peace of mind between now and the next appt, then it was certainly acceptable to do the ultrasound. I thought about it, and how it would be more pragmatic to just wait, but considering how anxious I’d already been, how could I handle another two weeks wondering if the absence of the heart tones was a permanent end? So we scheduled the appointment for later that afternoon.
The hours in between were stressful. It was so hard to think that this would be yet another disappointment. It’s so easy in a situation to expect the worst. Mark and I went and sat in a park while we waited and talked about faith and about learning to accept God’s plan for our family no matter how things go . . . and trust. It was a good talk and it really helped me be calm and go into the ultrasound knowing that no matter the outcome, it would be okay. And so we got in there, and then the minute the pictures showed up on the screen, I saw our little guy and right away was just overwhelmed with happiness. I just had tears going down my cheeks – at just three months gestation, this little baby was the most beautiful little human being doing full on water aerobics – arms reaching, leg kicks, back arching, turning over, sticking it’s little bum out and in, out and in, and that little heart pounding away at exactly 167 bpm. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, and the nurse said this baby is thriving and vibrant and exactly the right size and. . . Mark and I have been on such a high ever since. It was the most wonderful birthday present in the world. The little pictures we have are darling and so precious to me.

We told my parents last night, after we went over there for a birthday dinner and I opened a few presents and then told them that for my birthday we wanted to announce another birthday this fall (Oct 18). And then whipped out the ultrasound pictures. Oh it was classic to see the look on my dad’s face. It was priceless. And so much fun. Of course my mom suspected, and I knew she did. You can’t fool the Mom radar. Never works. But everyone is so excited, and I’m just relieved to be able to not try to hide that my pants don’t fit and that I’ve been throwing up for three months:) I definitely have a little bump already which Mark adores.

There’s still a part of me that’s fearful, and I’m trying to silence those thoughts and remember that every single day the chance of miscarriage drops so much but I think I’ll breathe a huge sigh of relief when we hit the point several months down the road when I know that baby’s gonna make it for sure. I just want to hold on to the happiness I have right now and savor it forever.