it is hard to be trying to conceive when you’re at a time in life where you’re surrounded by peers and friends who are constantly pregnant. It feels like everyone I know is pregnant or already has a baby. It’s only a slight exaggeration, the numbers really are huge in comparison to my friends who aren’t. And they make it look so easy – I can’t believe how many people I know who were pregnant only a few months post wedding. Whatever you may think of the sanity of that move, it’s obvious they didn’t have to “try”. I went off birth control in March and I’m still seeing blood each month, blood I’m starting to resent. What’s worst of all is that I struggle to be happy for my friends and family – I put on a congratulatory face, and cry inwardly. I don’t want to be one of those people who is jealous and petty when others have blessings come to them. I want to feel genuinely happy and unselfish. I obviously have a long way to go.

I realized tonight how fiercely possessive I am of my family. I love them. I worry about them. I adore them. I bristle if anyone acts in a manner towards them that I deem unseemly. I wonder if I’ll be able to temper my attachment proclivities towards my own children; I’d hate to be the stifling, overbearing type.

I married a wonderful man. He is truly tailor-made to my needs; I am in awe often as to how wonderful he is. The joys of our life together mitigate the sorrows that inevitably come. I hope I treat him with the kindness and sincerity he deserves.