So I wasn’t sure if I’d use this blog for personal thoughts or not, but I miss having that outlet. So I will. I can reconcile that with my literary ambitions by promising myself that I will do writing experiments as well. If there’s anything I was really looking forward to the holidays for, it was so that I could pursue whatever random (read:time-wasting) intellectual avenues I wanted to. If I want to read three novels, fine. If I want to browse all my favorite sites ad nauseum without feeling guilty for neglecting my homework, so be it. The weather has beautifully facilitated this fantasy by providing two massive snowstorms within the span of seven days. I LOVE it. I’ve drawn within the empty corridors of my mind, and it’s a happy respite. (Although Mark probably isn’t pleased when I draw within like that. Don’t worry, it’s only temporary!)

Miscellany thoughts from the last several days on vacation:

On honesty – a very likely non-coincidental juxtaposition of RS lessons with the current theme at hand. On Christmas Eve we didn’t talk about Christmas, we talked about why one shouldn’t steal towels or newspapers, or otherwise compromise one’s integrity. Of course, that’s related to Christmas, but I was left to make the cognitive leap. I would have applauded had it been done for me. Anyway . . . the moral dilemma I face as of late concerns my education. One class left to pass. Several failed attempts now in my resume. I can’t believe I’m so close to having completed a degree, and yet I haven’t. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt such frustration. I can’t seem to muster the energy or desire to inform my father that I actually am not eligible for graduation as of right now, because of my failed class. With every intention of taking it right away and passing this time, I just can’t bring myself to go through the public grief of telling my parents. This however is not a decision without consequences. Mark felt compromised since I asked him not to tell them. When the subject comes up he ends up having to awkwardly dance around it. As do I. Not a kind thing to do to one’s new husband.
I would rather not lie to them. Lying is not something I relish or endorse. Yet for some reason I’m so weary of the burden of failed expectations that dealing with the guilt of lying seems the easier path. A rationalization, to be sure. But one that is extremely persuasive right now. Actually, as I’ve had some days to mull it over, I see ways to mitigate the PR damage and tell the truth. That would be the best solution. I’m going to see what I can do to enact it. It’s given me a good chance to re-evaluate anyway. Integrity does matter to me. Which would of course dictate that I act accordingly.

On fertility: This is kind of a funny topic for the holidays. But it’s been on my mind since September. One’s own marriage suddenly puts one’s fertility into front and center. Which is at times exciting and other times just plain awkward. Jennifer is 6.5 mo’s along. Anna is 3 mo’s along. Just a year ago none of the three of us were married. I feel genuine excitement for them. I don’t feel like I have to force it. I think motherhood is exciting and part of me can’t wait to be at that point myself.
OTOH, I wonder a little bit about the pressure to conceive instantly. I agree with the church counsel about making it priority, not waiting for selfish reasons. . . I just wonder with some of the things I see. Not disagree, per se. Just wonder. And is the expectation really there that each woman should have as many children as is physically possible for her? How does one decide that? Inspiration of course – so then really none of us can judge another. In the LDS world it seems women who don’t have enough are judged. Out of it, it seems LDS women who have “too many” are judged. Ah the competing standards of the world.
My little sister Margaret has cramps today. I feel badly for her- she is so young. Why does her body have to suffer right now, just so she can be pregnant no less than ten years from now? The average age of commencing menstruation is decreasing through the years – how does that fit into the DSOT (divine scheme of things?) Why do women need to become fertile before the age of approximately 16? I don’t get it. I’m going to ask the Authorities someday. Along with my many other questions.

On snow- Yesterday at the grocery store people were stockpiling en masse for the incoming storm. We ran into a sister from the ward. My Mom socially asked, “Are you ready for another storm?” The sister laughed and said “I guess so. . . I don’t know if I’m happy about it though.” This response is said as a matter of course. Casual conversation. But it always makes me think. Why is this weather seen as so unsavory, especially for this sister, a homemaker? Why are beautiful snowstorms seen as nasty? And gray cloudy rainy days as yucky? Now if we were living two hundred years ago, without inside plumbing and constant climate control and heated cars and snowplows, then I could understand. But all we do is stay inside anyway. We can’t handle a little snow in between the house and the car and the store? We can’t have a few drops sprinkling down as we drive through the drive through? We want it Sunny! And when it’s sunny, what do we do? Sit inside and watch TV! Hooray! It’s so nice out! Now I can be happy as I crank my A/C through the roof and burn up all non-renewable energy.

OK, rant over.

Anyway. I’ve really been happy being at home for Christmas. Not because I’m not happy in Orem, because I am, but because I’ve been able to put aside some of those mental burdens for awhile. I’m rather dreading going back to them, but one can’t and shouldn’t always be trying to escape the drudgery of life. I’ve really loved playing with the kids, even though they’re getting older. I’ve loved feeling the Christmas spirit. I’ve loved not having to show up at work or go grocery shopping or think endlessly how much my tub needs scrubbing and how I’m probably not giving Mark enough attention because I’m so distracted. (These are horrible run-on sentences btw.) I’ve really loved getting lots of sleep and not feeling guilty, of reading to my heart’s content and not feeling guilty, etc. Forgetting about bills a little bit, even though I know they’re waiting just around the corner.
I’ve loved being able to spend guiltfree time with Mark. We’ve really been deprived of that ever since our marriage. We just jumped right into a very emotionally demanding several months, and we’ve had to keep on rolling as things were thrown are way. I think we were successful for the most part, but I look forward to making the next several months even better. I think if I could change one thing, it would be to have been better at managing my own stress. I think that makes me a kinder and better wife and friend.

On a positive note, since this is a miscellany post after all, my faith is experiencing a resurgence. For this, I am extremely grateful.

More coherent thoughts to follow sometime in the future.